Life as I know it

Today I discovered the meaning of life. Bear with me on this one, I just might be right.

I was in the car driving home from the Coffee Plantation when it hit me. At first I thought, "The meaning of life is friends."

Back at the coffee plantation, I had been reading news about Rosie O'Donnell, whose apparent heart-felt outspokenness has caused her turmoil for ultimately being as naïve and making as many mistakes as the rest of us. Then, I got to thinking about the troops and the war and the media and who we really are as people--- call me a philosopher ha. It made me pose the question to my friend Melissa, who was online at work, "If you could do one amazing thing for this world, what would it be?" She said she'd give people more free time to have fun and make things. I thought that was caring and big-hearted. While it may not be what someone in a war-ravaged country might ask for, what a beautiful heart she has to hope for everyone in the world to have time to enjoy life when it is good. At that moment, I wished I had more text messages so that I could send all my friends a message telling them I loved them.

As I was leaving the coffee shop I considered my future, my impending medical residency, moving, constantly feeling away from where I want to be (literally and figuratively) and the grand indecision of it all. Then I thought about how my mother keeps telling me to stress less. And though her words never seem to help, for just a moment I entertained that maybe someday I might be less naïve and realize that nothing I do now can prepare me for what will come... so I let the stress go.

I got in the car stewing on this, "What is it then? What is my life about, if not the future?" On the road a sign showed the temperature was now in the triple digits. I decided, "It's friends. It's people like Melissa wanting for the world what she wants for herself. It's Karen, with whom I spoke 3 days ago for the first time in 4 years like a day hadn't passed." But then I hesitated, "What about the beauty of the world... the trees, the sunlight, clouds and oceans? Would I not sit in awe, the last man on earth, by the ocean somewhere feeling overwhelmed by something greater than me? I know I would. It's more than friends."

That's when I realized it. That's what the meaning of life is. It's stupid in sound, even to me now, but I feel like this is it. The meaning of life is to live it, all of it. To be part of the stress, to have highs as high as we can go, to love the earth around us, to not be elegant all the time, to embarrass ourselves, to be mad, to burn out, to be indecisive, too be hurt--- to be very hurt, to FEEL. That is the point of all this--- to experience every emotion, every range that our senses can feel. Too wonder "why?" and then learn the answer, to love, to be loved, to appreciate everything around us… everything that happens to us… and to hate it.

And I think the universe agreed with me because the gate was opened when I got back to the apartments and the lock on the door didn't fight me when I came in.

So what will I do with my newfound wisdom? I'll stress tonight. I'll be grumpy tomorrow morning and ecstatic tomorrow evening. I'm going to keep living and hopefully reread this from time to time reminding myself that this is it. This is what I'm here for: to see all this, to love it and hate it, and then to embrace it. I have today. I might have the future. I have my possessions and my goals, misguided or naïve. But, these things are mine and they are all I will ever know in this lifetime. So I won't hide my struggles and I'll continue to do things that scare me. I'll be emotional and I'll soak up everything that today has to offer.

My answer to the question I posed Melissa. If I had the opportunity to do one amazing thing for the world I think it would be this: I'd like to teach everyone to love each other with enough tolerance that we could be at peace and all feel loved back.